Its all meant to be

Everything that happens has a reason . there is absolutely nothing that just does not happen without a logical explanation. What has happened with me in the past 2 months there is absolutely no rational explanation yet there is some reason that I can see f what all has happened.for the last 2 months I have undergone a major confidence crisis nd I cannot believe that my only weapon that of confidence has gone for a toss. I just cannot say anything with confidence , do anything with it. Everytime I do anything I just keep on doubting myself. I got my internship finally with my dream departments and I have done nothing but to screw it . I asked silly questions did silly mistakes. The question arrives why the possible explanation is that I got emotionally dependent on someone so much that I forgot about my strengths. In other words I made that person my strength and when that person decided to leave I lost all my strength . even as I am writing this blog I am still confused, although I have gotten out of a major crisis but still some part of me still wants those 4 months back . to be honest as of now I would do anything to get those 4 months back. This has not been my first relationship , but the way I bonded with her was really different and I remember I didn’t take not much time to get over people. But its been more than 2 months and I just cannot get it out of my mind . and this is unlike me . I get over things really quick . on the top of that with me I have seen 5 random people who I just happen to know, not very close or anything going through almost the same thing and all 4 of them turning to me for advice.i mean they didn’t even talk to me except a maybe hi/hello but still for this they turned to me for advice , for support or whatever you may call it .it goes on to to show one thing definitely , no matter how much I try to move on , there will be incidents that will still remind me of those 4 beautiful months. Yes I am sad because I cannot ave it anymore. Did I throw it away ? am I to blame ? yes because it was my incapability to understand situations and apply myself into it.i am so cared on any relationship now , I can very safely say . in fact I don’t know what I want from life as of now. I still have one more year to go to finish my studies and I frankly have no idea of how I am going to survive that one year .maybe some more weed and some drinking will help my case . but should that be the way out , I don’t know. To be honest I have seen much worse things than this in my life and I have very easily come out of it . what I need maybe is like going broke for sometime and do something I have never done before. But whenever I try to do something new thing I am still reminded about that person in one way or the other. Is that wrong? Is that cowardly? Is that irritating?i have absolutely no idea, but I am feeling that way . I cannot stop it . my sister tells me I am becoming a cy baby these days but I cannot help it. I know she understands what I am going through and to make me strong she is saying all that. But why cant people understand and tell me that it’s okay. I will find the right person in my life. Everything happens for a reason , if its bad u learn out of it if its good , u just enjoy . I know there is no way that she might come back or anything. But god that very idea kills me. I am always asking this question to god , if I had to lose her then why did I get her? Experience? Hard thing to swallow, harder than living alone in a room . harder than anything that I have ever coped up with.but if its meant to be its meant to be.

Broken

Broken dreams, broken laws
Cant believe just what I saw
Black shadows lingering in the sky
A cold wind rushes me by

In the search to find my lost soul
I am staring in the abyss into a blackhole

Dead end is what I find when I go anywhere
Dead souls and cold eyes is what I meet everywhere
It was u who decided to go
As i wait here to know



This half cup of love , is what I am drinking
This joke of a life that I am living
The mirror infront of me is broken
The relection of me is gone



And I am broken………





Ghost of myself still haunts me
Death is even scared to see
You left me both high and dry
I cannot even cry no matter how much i try

Locked doors and blank thoughts
A lost battle is whatI fought
Life is not the way it was meant to be
If only I had the eyes to see

The question still remains why did he do this
The time of my life that I would sorely miss



This half cup of love , is what I am drinking
This joke of a life that I am living
The mirror infront of me is broken
The relection of me is gone



And I am broken………

the pains

o here is my first hand at poetry :P the title is the pain

i never thought that u werent the one
i always thought it was battle i won
I never thought things would end this way
i always thought u were here to stay

so i kept your hand and held it with me
i never realised i was too blind to see
maybe u never bothered to fit
baby u never bothered to sit

so i walk on this broken glass
i cant walk no more
and i've been cut into half
this pain i cant take no more

baby you did what u thought was right
maybe you never saw me in your sight
baby you said that our love had died
i never saw had you had lied

i never thought you would do this to me
i always thought i was able to see
I never thought we werent the same
i always found myself only to blame
so i walk on this broken glass
i cant walk no more
and i've been cut into half
this pain i cant take no more

PS:i will be converting this into a song and will be uploading it on the net soon will be uploading the links as well.. please listen , share and comment.

the fuckups

yes so i am single again !! it does not end for i guess. but den as u might have read dis tiem i thought it was it but then i messed it up again .i sometimes fail to understand myself . Why i do such stuff.Everytime i have something good going for i fuck it all up . I'll share a secret with u guys this time around . I am like this only . I just want more and more in my life i guess.. I fuck everytime up. Its my problem , i am selfish and i am egotistical to such an extent that nobody likes to be with me . As a riend everyones okay but when it comes to relationships everyone ikes to keep there distance. I am so annoyed at myself thee days that cant think of anything else but ending it rather . It's not because of the break up but the manner in which it happened. I had everygoing my wy , one problem and i got so fucking impatient that i fucked it . i have to deal with probably the hardest and the most crucial time and dis is what i do to myself. anyways i wish that girl of mine a very good luck in life and would like to publicaly apologise for being rude and mean to her . the name is richa sabherwal..

Insecurities and complications in life …..

In one of the earlier blogs I mentioned that life is just like movie.. some find it good.. some find it funny some find it worthless some find it sad … Yet we still live it and we still watch movies. However there is one thing that has always confused me and I haven’t even figured what exactly is the reason and what is the solution for it . Or maybe I have figured out the reason but surely not the solution. I will pose the situation and then tell the reason which is so complicated that it inturn makes it the problem .
Say for example u want a girlfriend. So u’ll look for a potential partner. Then u will decide to tell her and if she says yes, that’s cool . So lets say the first step is complete and u finally d find urself a girlfriend. So the insecurity here was that might never be able to have a girlfriend. So now step 2 which makes it a bit ccomplex is that of how the future is Is it safe? U want her to be always urs and it leads to different human emotions , jealousy , anger , sadness, etc. SO the possible solution u will look is marriage . Say you achieved that too and now you are married . the future aspect which was a reason was ur insecurity will grow in size in step 3 . Your now future tension will be that of stability .. So u get urself a good job , u open a savings account and invest money here ad there. You then have kids to give urself the tag of happy family . Say you achieved that too , now te insecurity u will have will be that of ur kids futue. Will they be able to support you and ur wife and various other things?

So the catch here is nothing is certain about our future but still we try everything to make it certain yet we fail miserabely at it. The dichotomy of the situation is that if u don’t do it u will lose sure shot.But there I no sign of wining. So in a nutshell u r doing it to lose coz everytime u do something u’ll end up doing the same thing with a greater magnitude. So why do it ? coz thereis no other option. So u have only 2 options to lose and to do sumthing and still lose?I am not that pessimistic as of now that these are 2 only possible ways to go bout in life. Life is so complicated that I am very sure we will have other ways to go bout it . Yo have tofigure it out ..I am still on my way of exploring them .

Decide for yourself-being a pothead

Since I have come to Pune I did a lot of things which were something I didn’t really do much when I was back In delhi. One of them was weeding. And i started stoning quite regularly.I am now in a state where I proudle say that it gave me a new perspective on life. People say it’s bad it’s drugs , they harm yourbody and stuff. But u know that’s what is called stereotyping .i have tried everything in life and by everything I mean everything and I don’t mind sharing it here on this blog .Reason I don’t have a problem with anyone . I believe until u try things you cannot say wether it’s good or bad for you.it’s a simple example you do not make your opinion about a movie wether it’s good or bad until you yourself have seen it .so unless you have tried things which people call ‘unethical’ you cannot base your opinion on it .Coming back to being a stoner , I have only done weed and that is something that I realized is that something is totally unharmful. Weed is now used by medical practioners as a natural drug to cure cancer patients. Anyways weed does no harm. Have you ever heard someone dying because he used to smoke weed? No right ?and Iam telling you it’s the best high yu get . It opens your mind to things and you start realizing things.Anyways that’s me reading about weed and telling you abut . You should not to start weeding because someone is saying . It’s like you do not form an opinion about a movie until you have seen it yourself.You don’t learn to appreciate a ride on the bicycle until you have done it yourself.That’s how simple it is . You cannot form an opinion about weed until you have smoked it . People say do not talk back to your parents but don’t we do it? Why? Because sometimes we feel that they are wrong and we are right.I done weed because I have to prove something to the society or my parents or other pople . I do it because I like doing it . And now that I have found that it’s not harmful I am more than happy .
The other reason which is more obvious and which bears a better explanation is that people don’t want to see themselves as an idiot infront of others when he is stned. But that’s exactly what my problem is . Why do we care so much about how people think about us? If that is so then why do you say it’s my life and I want to do what I feel like?

Again I am not asking you to do it . What I am saying is don’t form an opinion when you haven’t tried something because that’s not good. You don’t do judge a fight until you have seen it with your own eyes. So don’t say that weed is bad just because people have told you . Try it and then form an opinion. My experience- it’s the best feeling in this whole world .

life from different perspectives

You know when someone goes to a movie , everyone in the theatre will have some opinion about it . One may think its as a useless movie , one may try and relate himself with it and one may like the story and many other things. Life also is like a movie only . One may think it’s useless , one may try and explore life one may like to remember some of the amasing moments in their life while regret some of the most unhappy things.When I was growing up I always thought about how people form opinions , their likes and dislikes. Ad it took me sometime to decide for myself , as in what I feel. Always I went for things which were like there in the society . I didn’t think much before wanting anything . Result , I ended up getting what I feel was bad . Impatience may be that some people might think . I on the other hand think it was the unwillingness on my part to not think for myself. Anyways I grew older and now I can decide about my opinions but then there are elements outside that do shape your thinking. For example listening to so much of rock music has made me a guy who will always question every rule. And it is because that is what people say abut rock music. This can also be attributed to what I perceive of the genre of the music. This is all nothing but a clash of opinions in your mind. You are thinking about something and with passage of sometime you realize that these all will help build you anopinion about it . right now as I am typing I forminganopinion and there are factors that will lead me to it . It sounds really confusing but then that’s the trick . The confusion will help you to form you own opinions .